Reply To: Blurb

[Stephanie FlintParticipant]

Okay, so quick caveat… blurbs aren’t my strong point. So definitely take or leave my suggestions based on what you feel works best. 🙂

 

I think you’ve got most of the pieces here, and with a little tightening and rearranging, your blurb should be pretty snappy.

 

I’ve bolded your as-is blurb, left my notes below the bold sections, and italicized my suggested version of a paragraph or sentence.

 

Stephen Valtor was at a point in his life where things were finally working to his favor. That was until he was ‘volunteered’ for a life or death mission.

I might suggest switching this sentence to present tense, like the rest of the blurb. Possibly switch the sentence structure around.

 

Things are finally working in Stephen Valtor’s favor. That is, until he’s “volunteered” for a life or death mission.

 

Depending on your character’s voice, instead of “volunteered,” I might suggest “volun-told” (though huh… “volun-told” looks weird in print. Maybe that’s a word that works better heard aloud).

The world is not as we know it. Witches live their everyday life under the vale of obscurity. For hundreds of years, they have looked over their shoulders. For those who know of their existence. The Witch Hunters have been pursuing them. Slowly and gruesomely, they have been killing in the name of ridding the world of the horror of Witches. No matter the price to the normal population.

 

I’d make “everyday life” plural: “everyday lives”

 

I think you could also trim and rearrange this paragraph, as well as combining a few sentences to make it snappier.

 

The world is not as as we know it. For hundreds of years, witches have looked over their shoulders in fear of deadly Witch Hunters. The Hunters kill in the name of ridding the world of the witch “horror,” no matter the price to the normal population. Now witches live their everyday lives under the vale of obscurity, in hopes of avoiding a gruesome death.

 

(Maybe use “mortal” population, depending on the phrases you use in the story?)

I’m also not 100% sure of my suggested version, and I think you could maybe tighten it even more.

For Stephen, the Hunter threat has been the boogieman. The monster under the bed to scare children into good behavior. His lack of magic as a neutral had left him disconnected from his family and community. With his computer skills and tech know how. He has been able to make a spot for himself between the two worlds, the normal everyday and the Witch world.

 

To me, “has been” feels a little passive here, and I think you could tighten the sentence. I might even combine the first two sentences:

For Stephen, Hunters are boogiemen, a fable to scare children into behaving.

(That said, I like the “monster under the bed” phrasing. If you want to cut words, fable could work. Otherwise, you’re probably good to keep “monster under the bed.”)

 

I’m not quite sure what the sentence “his lack of magic as a neutral” means. I’m guessing “neutral” is an in-universe phrasing. That said, I’m not sure you need that here.

His lack of magic left him disconnected from his family and community.

 

Maybe combined the next two sentences. (And possibly even combine “computer skills” and “tech know-how”) Also, you could probably cut “two worlds” and simply mention the everyday and Witch worlds. (Alternatively, simply say “two worlds” and cut the rest of the sentence)

 

With his computer know-how, he’s made a spot for himself between the normal, everyday world and the Witch world.

 

I tested rearranging the sentences to see if that might improve the flow of this paragraph.

 

Stephen’s lack of magic has left him disconnected from his family and community. But with his computer know-how, he’s made a spot for himself between the normal, everyday world and the Witch world. For him, Hunters are nothing more than boogiemen, a fable to scare children into behaving.

 

When visiting family friends turned into being ‘volunteered’ for a dangerous mission against the Hunter threat. Stephen was thrown into a situation that he never thought was possible. The outcome would have lasting effects on those around him.

 

I’d change this paragraph to present tense.

Maybe say “friends of the family” for clarity?

Could probably cut “that,” maybe even cut the “was” from “thought was possible.”

I also think you might be able to cut the line about “the outcome would have lasting effects on those around him.”

 

When a visit with friends of the family turns into being “volunteered” for a dangerous mission against the Hunter threat, Stephen is thrown into a situation he never thought possible.

 

I kind of want to know some specifics about the situation he gets thrown into, but I’m not sure you’d actually need those.

 

Can he rise to the challenge and save the Witch world from being discovered and wiped out?

I like this question.

Personally, I’d choose either “discovered” or “wiped out.” But since the Hunters already know about the Witches, maybe choose “wiped out?”

Can he rise to the challenge and save the Witch world from being wiped out?

Another option could be:

Can he rise to the challenge and prevent the hunters from wiping out the Witch world?

(I’m suggesting this because then it gives a little more specificity to the threat, makes the Hunters more active, and ends on “world” instead of “out,” which I feel is a stronger sentence ending).

 

Or will he fail under the immense pressure, dooming all that he cares and loves, to death?

I think you can cut “that” here, and possibly the comma after “loves.” Otherwise, I like this sentence as-is.

Or will he fail under the immense pressure, dooming all he cares and loves to death?

Click the ‘buy now’ and join Stephen as he navigates his way to success or ruin.

I’d either cut “the” before “buy now” or add “button” after “buy now.”

Click the ‘buy now’ button and join Stephen as he navigates his way to success or ruin.

Combined version (with a few additional tweaks):

 

Things are finally working in Stephen Valtor’s favor. That is, until he’s “volun-told” for a life or death mission.

 

For hundreds of years, witches have looked over their shoulders in fear of deadly Witch Hunters. The Hunters kill in the name of ridding the world of the witch “horror,” no matter the price to the mortal population. Now witches live their everyday lives under the vale of obscurity, in hopes of avoiding a gruesome death.

 

Stephen’s lack of magic has left him disconnected from his family and community. But with his computer know-how, he’s made a spot for himself between the normal, everyday world and the Witch world. For him, Hunters are nothing more than boogiemen, a fable to scare children into behaving.

 

But when a visit with friends of the family turns into being “volunteered” for a dangerous mission against the Hunter threat, Stephen is thrown into a situation he never thought possible.

 

Can he rise to the challenge and prevent the hunters from wiping out the Witch world?
Or will he fail under the immense pressure, dooming all he cares and loves to death?

 

Click the ‘buy now’ button and join Stephen as he navigates his way to success or ruin.

 

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Hopefully that helps. Feel free to take or leave whichever pieces you’d like. Good luck with your edits! 😀